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24 February 2015 @ 06:41 pm
Today = failure
Is anyone surprised?
23 February 2015 @ 09:11 pm
I'm feeling so phat.
My PDoc made so many changes to my bipolar meds and now I can't stop eating. It's time to get back on track.

Just once in my life I would like to feel thin and beautiful. I feel like this is my last chance.
29 January 2014 @ 09:35 pm

04 July 2013 @ 09:30 pm

Could I be any fatter?
I know I'm frighten pregnant again but I feel so down on myself. I feel ugly all the time. It makes me want to cry. I feel so horribly ugly that I actually think I may have a problem.

28 April 2013 @ 09:23 pm
Two really great days followed by two really horrendous days!!


I was under 1000 two days in a row and feeling on top of the world. Then I was just like FUCK IT and screwed up all that progress. I hate myself. I didnt bother to meal plan these past couple of days. I usually mentally go over what I'm going to have before I fall asleep but I was too tired the last two days and look what happened. I feel horrible.
This morning we ordered a big fatty breakfast because it was sunday morning together and while my husband was getting his all ready I was half done and he commented. He said "where did your breakfast go?" "youd better slow down before you get a stomach ache." I WAS SO EMBARRASSED. Not only did I eat a big fattening breakfast but I was too greedy to wait for him and I scarfed it down like an obese person. SHOOT ME!
It maked me feel like "whats the fucking point?"
I try and try and then all day today I ate WHATEVER I WANTED, you name it, I ate it. I feel gross and sad.
The weekends are always harder. I'm busy and I have to eat with/feed my husband too. Tomorrow is Monday so it will be back to normal, I hope. I cant handle the gaining. 
20 May 2011 @ 09:17 am
 Found a really cool site that shows different women at every height and weight. I looked up my height and weight and I look just like those women. Its pretty cool.....and a tad depressing too.

27 April 2011 @ 10:16 am
 "past the pain of all your struggles
through the rain of all your troubles
over rocky mountains
out of whippin' winds of change
down those highways paved with doubt and darkness
fallow with all your heart and don't lose faith
you'll find your way"

this song  by High Valley is the only thing making me feel remotely better this morning.
21 July 2010 @ 04:24 pm
10 June 2010 @ 07:28 pm
Thursday = Bingeday


ummmm: (in reverse order, I guess)
2x "mr noodle" type things
A box of these puff ball foreign "cookies"
a "choco pie" cookie
sweet bean paste bar thing
a pb and j sandwich on HMWW (huge homemade bread)
a bowl of cereal

I'm a lard. And I was just starting to feel better. FUCK. So now I'm working on thinspo and thanking god that I'm going on a big power walk with someone from work. It's in an hour so........OMGIMAPIG!!!!!
I dont even want to attempt those calories. It would be a number so high that im sure I'd run out of numbers, eww.

I feel secretly good today because I havent taken any diet pills or lax and I let myself eat whatever without over worrying about cals. I'm tired and bloated and I feel as though I've binged BUT it was a relaxing day in its own right. Thank god im working out tonight!!!
09 June 2010 @ 12:42 am
Do you generally like or hate when people take photos of you? Do you feel anxious when friends post pictures of you online? Is your first inclination to link to them or hide them?


I KNOW it will be terrible, I KNOW I will look FAT. The evidence of the past is irrefutable. I have definitely undone the link many times.
Its disgusting to look upon myself as other see me physically. Its even worse, believe it or not, than how I view myself. The fear is prominent.